Art as a means of survival. Call it therapy.

 

Well ... if you've read my previous post, you'll know what my biiiig problem is at the moment. How many times are you told to prepare for imminent widowhood, and how are you supposed to deal with it?! Beats heck out of me. I don't have any more answers to this question now than I had in October last year, when the bombshell dropped on us from a great height. But life goes on, and even though I -- honestly, seriously, genuinely, unavoidably, do not have time to do artwork, the images and imagination are still bubbling away inside my brain. Now...

You know me. Normally, I don't actually approve of AI. I've always said that AI art is not real art -- and it isn't. That belief hasn't changed, and won't change. Art is where an artist sits down with tools and hours to spend on a unique project, and when they're done, they sign off on something that is a slice of their personality, a taste on their soul, a mirror reflecting their psyche. That's real art. AI is ... well, it's like this:

But although that, above, is neither artwork nor photography, it is vision, it is imagination, it is  creativity. And there are times -- as I am discovering right now -- when AI has its part to play. My mind is still filled with visions. My imagination is still running hot and fast. Mentally, I have never been more creative, but there is no time or energy, and there are no resources for me to "do art." But...

...if I don't find an outlet for all this imagination and creativity, I am probably going to go bonkers. Sure, a lot of you will line up to say I've been bonkers for years, and you're probably right. But this is quite a nice kind of bonkers; the kind that prompts beauty and serenity, and invites one's mind to spin stories off the top of images that popped out of the scenes I've glimpsed. Like:

That. There's a game I used to play years ago, when Mom was in her last months and I was, frankly, climbing the walls with grief and anxiety, not even admitting that I, myself, was seriously ill (and due to land in hospital for multiple surgeries only ten weeks after Mom passed, in 2017). I would slap together five or ten completely unrelated images and challenge myself, and other people who played the game with me, to conjure a story that wove together all the images. Mmmm...

It was fun, and it would give me just a few minutes' relief and release from the burden of reality. Now, I'm not going to tell you that Dave and I have reached that point yet. We're still fighting this thing. But we're also told that there is no way back from this beast that has sunk its claws into him, and all we can do is buy time, days, weeks, months that are to be cherished before it gets ... ugly. Well, we'll see about that. But the spectre is there in the back of your mind most of the time. Hmmm.

All of the above comes down to an inescapable bottom line. I need to find a way to "get out of myself" for long enough to hold onto my sanity. It cannot be art per se: as I said before, there is neither time nor energy for proper art. And as for writing -- same story. I'm an editor now. A good one. I enjoy it, and I do it well. But as for writing? No energy. You might not realise how much energy it takes to write coherent, luminous, emotionally rewarding fiction. Those days, if they ever return, and I hope they do, probably belong to a relatively distant future. But --

I can negotiate with an AI to winkle some of this creativity out of my beleaguered brain. And this is the part that AI has to play. Call it therapy, if you like. It relaxes me. It "takes me out of myself," and for just a short time I can forget, or almost forget, the beast that is lurking in the shadows. So...

...so let's visit alien worlds. Let's travel to other times and places. Let's forget who we are and what we must do just to get through one more day. Let's embrace AI for what it is: therapy. And no, I am not claiming that I painted any of these images! I didn't. You know me better. I hope, than to think I'd tell porkies of that magnitude! The most I did was put the images into Photoshop, adjust the colour balance, gamma, saturation, erase some "artefacts," and add lens flare.

I enjoy working on Photoshop -- always did -- and it's quick, once you know how to drive it properly. But 99.5% of this visual material, today, is right out of the AI, given some pretty smart prompts from yours truly, to get close (or close enough) to the images I'd imagined, to accept the result and smile. Like this:

Now, that's just neat, and it took about three minutes. The AI I'm using is mostly Imagen_4, which is accessed via Google's Gemini, plus, occasionally, Image-fx, also from Google. The images are better than those from Bing, and also Google doesn't "play silly buggers" with points that are traded for the privilege of making a picture -- points you have to buy or earn by patronising Microsoft in some way. Got no time, no money, and zero desire to faff about, guys. Google just gifts me the freedom to make pictures when I have some free time, and when inspiration is burning...

So let's hang onto sanity while Dave and I get through this, however we get through it. And in the meantime, let's go places and do things through the medium of images that I can create, via the alchemy of AI. I've embraced it. It has its place: it is serving me. It is going a long way toward saving me. I've changed my signature line to read "Jen's AI Imagination," which is utterly candid and honest. So let's see where Imagen_4 and Image-fx take us. (To reach Imagen_4 you just go to gemini.google.com and type in, "Create an image..." and then describe what you want. To use Image-fx, you would go to https://labs.google/fx/tools/image-fx, and follow the prompts. Gemini's Imagen_4 is so easily that a five year old could use it. The other is more ambitious. I leave it to you to choose your favourite.)

January 31st, 2025 -- This Was January: Finding a Rhythm

January 31, 2025

I don’t post very often these days. The reason is simple: there’s nothing to post about (unless I whine and grumble…and I could to plenty of that, but I won’t). By now, most friends and family must be a weary of MND stories, and I don’t blame them. I’m tired of it myself. If I could shrug it off, “go back to normal,” I would! But―here we are, trying determinedly to find a new normal. A new rhythm to carry us through months and years, and do it pleasantly. Life must be pleasant, with a certain sweetness, before you can call it “Life.” Anything else is…existing. Hmm.

So, let’s call this The January Report, which I’m filing as February opens. Here goes.

As I write, the air is smoky, hazy; I have “vampire eyes and smarting sinuses. The fires are not local―they’re over the border in Victoria. My heart goes out to our neighbours. Breathing their smoke is bad enough. Sigh. We’ve welcomed in what, as kids, some of us used to call the February Dragon, from Colin Thiele’s bushfire novel of the same name. February is an oven, and a dangerous one.
Our seasonal dragon inspires the longing for coolness, greenness, misty mornings, rainy evenings, the skirl of the wind in autumn’s bare branches, the crunch of fallen leaves as one walks a woodland trail. Little of this happens in Australia at any time of year, and if you do get close―it’s winter. Yes, I confess: there are times (this is one of them) when I get rather homesick for a land I haven’t even seen for 54 years. It’s strange. Rather painful but at the same time oddly sweet, perhaps because it gives me something to look forward to in a future I still dream about.

The pace of life has slowed, and it can afford to. Dave has just seven shifts left to work, including today’s. His last is March 16, then he’s retired. Actually, he’ll swap one job for another: his new job is himself. Health, strength, fitness, continued survival pending the next drug or gene therapy, the next, and next, till The Cure materializes―

We visited Tim (the GP) two days ago, and I happened to mention how we keep up with the research and see ample reason to be “guardedly optimistic.” No surprise from Tim, who agrees. This is the proverbial medical professional agreeing that re: survival of this lousy disorder, as of now one can afford guarded optimism. If (and it’s a monstrous “if”) one is proactive, gets out of the chair, and invests the work in one’s own survival.

And it is work. Hard work that never ends. It’s about nutrition, supplementation, exercise, meditation. Kriya, Qigong, acupuncture, physiotherapy, and a “magic factor.” The element we can’t quantify or label because it’s different for everyone. Allan Watts described it 50 years ago; everyone from Joe Dispenza (who approaches this from a scientific platform) to Darryl Anka (who packages similar messages in a delicious science fiction wrapper that one either loves or hates: yep, I love it in the same way I adore Stargate. SF. Sweet! Duh). Basically, find whatever makes your heart sing, because when your passion consumes you, you’re “in the zone.” Chi is rising; time stops; brain and heart pull in concert instead of in different directions; you feel great. And in that zone, nothing―not even MND―can touch you. Get in the zone. Stay in it!

For Dave, it’s cycling. His big news is Happy the eBike, which puts him back on the road, swooping down hills, riding country roads with glorious views. Happy is pedal-assist, meaning Dave must work, which translates into exercise, which keeps heart and lungs tip-top, maintaining muscle mass the disorder is trying to destroy. Cycling is therapy―physical, mental, everything. Oh, it works.

No surprise, then: last week, Dave’s neurologist reported no deterioration after three months. Remission. Check. Now, how long can we extend this? I ask myself: how many newly-diagnosed patients hasten their own demise by following doctors’ orders and doing…nothing. Medicine offers no treatment, just support services to keep one comfortable through the long fade to black. Dave’s prognosis was two years. Well, with no deterioration to report, that picture just changed radically. Now, there’s a result!

 
The neurologist ordered bloods to seek genetic markers. They’re in the process of IDing this beast’s genetic triggers. When they’re known, they can be switched off. Months ago, our acupuncturist insisted that all cases (not just some) are genetic. His branch of medicine is endeavouring to use laser acupuncture to switch off those genes. It’s worth noting that literally the day acupuncture began, Dave started to improve. It’s as if he’s on the mend, though the process is long, slow, and dang hard work.

So, life is slow, uneventful. A new show we’re enjoying on Britbox is a major deal (Shakespeare and Hathaway, a fun cosy mystery). Learning how to use meditation to escape into the maze of quantum probabilities―I kid you not!—is huge fun. It’s made me happier than I’ve been in eons. With bushwalking and photography off the menu (for the time being: no negativity allowed here!), my passion has become editing and writing. That’s where I get “into the zone.” Hiking and cameras can return whenever ―there’s no rush. I’ve already returned to pro writing, and will keep you posted when there’s news. That’s absolutely all that’s going on with me, personally.

There’s a new med for the saliva issue (thanks for the tip, Anna), and the last bloods showed that Dave’s liver has adapted to the Riluzole and returned to normal. So, oh yes, we’re doing this. Tangible results. As I said―optimistic. She says, smiling.

Blue Notes … and Some Not So Blue

7 January, 2025

2025 is a week old and it began with a challenge. A monitor that wouldn’t turn on (fixed with a new one, but now I wonder if the old one really is kaput, or was it the cable? Did I buy a new screen I didn’t need? Okay, so I end up with a spare monitor) … then, Dave gave Mike and me a major scare ― possibly himself too, and if so, it’s a Good Thing.

Everything that’s been done to combat the MND has worked so brilliantly, I’d have been prepared to state, categorically, he was in remission. (Did a purple flag just run up? Did you spot the word “was” there?) In fact, thanks to a lectin-free paleo diet, micro-nutrition, super-high protein, Kriya, Qigong, Kundalini, acupuncture, meditation … he was so good, I believe he became somewhat blasé about his health.

Me? No, I didn’t get complacent. I never will, but Dave ― yeah. He started taking it for granted. Being Dave, he had to go out and push his luck. (Anna, you knoooow whence I speak…) Long story short: on December 28, he rode up Old Willunga Hill with a huge group of mates ― a triumph! Not only did his body do it, but it didn’t protest loudly enough for him to hear it. No problem; huge fun. What an achievement!

But, but, but … the weather turned hot, and he couldn’t resist going out again, in a hundred degrees. The athletic high, the endorphin rush, is wonderful. Up to a point. Past that point, it has the potential to mask what your body is desperately trying to tell you. If you’re fully healthy, you can (probably) afford to ignore it and ride through. But I’ve no doubt Dave’s body was signalling frantically that it wanted to quit. That “pushing through” would do damage. Endorphins thoroughly masked the warning signs. He rode through when he shouldn’t have. Here’s the rub: overexertion over-excites motor neurons, and those little fellas can perish by the bushel. Huh.

Then came the downturn. He also hadn’t had acupuncture in two weeks. (A specialist is entitled to take a summer holiday too.) The hundred-degree ride was Saturday, and on Sunday, Dave scared the willies out of me.

What does it look like when remission ends? Do you get a second chance to stop the rot, patch over the damage, recover lost ground? All good questions, as yet unanswered.

Sunday was bad. Monday was about 15 hours of sleep, deliberate eating, copious micro-nutrition ― and acupuncture. Dr Lum is a magician. Every day, I thank my stars a lady down our street recommended him nine years ago for my own colossal migraines. Chinese doctors don’t advertise: patients find them through recommendation. Laser acupuncture had relieved the lady’s rheumatoid arthritis, and with Dr Lum’s magic, my migraines reduced from life-altering to “just” a nuisance I can live with.

Under his talented hands, Dave begins to recover at once. Tuesday, after a ton more micro-nutrition, Kriya, Qigong at al ― I see signs of recovery. Perhaps his remission isn’t shot to bits after all. As he says, paraphrasing George of the Jungle, “Dave just lucky.”

Bloody damned lucky, if you ask me. A dozen others would’ve played fast and loose with their remission, and blown it to smithereens. (Conventional wisdom is, “Use it or lose it.” With an MND remission, that should read, “Abuse and you will lose it!”) I think, hope, Dave has dodged this particular bullet. There’s excellent reason to.

MND research is about to take off like a SpaceX rocket. We just learned that a wealthy and comparatively young hedge fund manager has been diagnosed with this rotten, lousy disorder. He has opened the cash taps from his personal fortune because he wants his own cure. MND research is traditionally underfunded and consequently a decade behind where it ought to be. Now, pour the cash on with a fire hose … oh, yes.

 Today, Dave is down at Noarlunga, getting “a fitting” for his ebike ― 

― the device that’ll prevent any replay of what just happened. No more endorphin-masked overexertion piled onto a body with MND that does―not―work like the ordinary body. Or ―

This is the theory. The next piece in the micro-nutrition puzzle is royal jelly (thanks, Liam, for jogging my memory. I’d utterly forgotten this one), and it’s due to arrive tomorrow, I believe. Activated methyl cobalamin, taurine, arginine, choline, inosine, N-acetyl L-cysteine, Alpha-GPC, nicotinamide riboside, magnesium-BHB, ascorbic acid, Mucuna, Brahmi, royal jelly, and much, much more … it’s quite the witch’s brew. Powerful stuff, all under test in labs from Japan to Scotland, via India and Australia.

So, we soldier on. I think Dave may have dodged the bullet ― and that hedge fund manager wants his cure. So … optimism! Good thoughts make good molecules, right? Right. Here I am being optimistic as we launch into 2025. Working on my own health and peace of mind at the same time. Hey, I’ve become a meditator! I’ve come to swear by it and look forward to it. So ― 2025, here we come.

Take a deep breath. No, I said a deep breath! And again. And be calm, be peaceful, be positive. Let optimism be your watchword and let the New Year's resolution be to seek, and find, grace in all things. So ... caaaaaaalm. Yes? Like this: